Cortege Chaos at ESMP

    This Monday I was at Eastern Suburbs Memorial Park (ESMP) taking photos of the WWI graves, all part of my look at the history of the funeral industry (all coming soon).  There I was, doing my thing when I noticed a mourner park their white SUV in a rather inappropriate spot, on a narrow road with two tight bends to it (shown below).

Lego Funeral Director Play Set

    Here is a fake lego funeral play set, complete with crying mourners, a coffin, and even a crematorium.  Personally I think it is rather amusing, and a wonderful idea!

    This has already made the rounds on certain circles (such as coffin-talk), so I thought it appropriate to discuss it.  Despite the fact that it is fake it has potential, we are seeing more alternative and specific lego sets as lego becomes more popular.  Take for example this lego aircraft carrier, or this life size lego house built by James May.  There are numerous lego groups and exhibitions, even official ones like Brickworks in Sydney.  It is not beyond reason or possibility for lego to make a certain number of funeral theme sets.

     Some might think a lego themed set would be upsetting or inappropriate for the most part.  A mixing of children's toys and death is rather touchy to say the least.  But as the comments on this "Confessions of a Funeral Director" post show many people would like it.  I asked a few friends who I know to be 'squeamish' about death and funerals.  One is so 'squeamish' that she gets uncomfortable at seeing a photo of an empty hearse.  Because it reminds her of funerals and death an the likes.  Yet even she (and everyone I spoke with) really liked this idea and would buy it or compete for it.

    Perhaps one day a funeral company will get in touch with lego and have a promotional event, I (and a few others I know) would certainly participate!  It is a possibility, and there is a market, so why not?

An~~

Working Funerals - Neighbour calls police about body at funeral home

    Very recently I had a talk with the people at Divinity Funerals.  I was told a funny story about how one neighbour is reluctant to have a funeral home so close.

    One night there was a viewing in the funeral home chapel, nothing new.  After the viewing they were loading the coffin into the car to take back to the mortuary.  When suddenly "everything was blue and red" as police swamped them.

    It turned out the neighbour had seen them loading the coffin into the car, and called the police.  Saying how the neighbour was putting a dead body in a van.  Forgetting to mention that it was a funeral home and a coffin.  Naturally the police were not too impressed and quite apologetic to the funeral staff.  Saying how they would make a note in the system about that number, and they had told off the neighbour.

    It goes to show how reluctant some are to have a funeral home close to them.  Getting approval to build a new funeral home is incredibly difficult from councils and residents.

    My research is finding a main way people chose the funeral home is by how close it is to them.  When a death occurs people want the funeral place to be nearby, many say how this is convenient and nice.  Which is also evident by the way InvoCare spends so much to rent so many offices around Sydney.  Clearly they think it is financially worth it.

    Yet when there is no personal death most do not want the funeral home as a neighbour.  Other than when needed the funeral home should be distant to them, over there and not over here.  This is known as Not In My Back Yard (NIMBY) to some.  How we want something close to us when we need it but distant when we don't.

    The funeral home is unfortunately stuck in this paradox.  The company needs to be close to residents and commercial areas for customers as this is a major decider for many customers.  But then the same people do not want the funeral home close when they are no longer customers.  Keeping the funeral home near but at arm's length.

    An unfortunate down side to this is it encourages superficial shop fronts and briefcase funeral directors.  The mortuary, where the dead are dealt with, are removed, confined to industrial areas.

An~~

Funeral Fun - Holding hands

    Recently I was at a funeral when something rather amusing happened at the graveside.  It's about time I did a 'funeral fun' anyway!

Funeral Fun - Uncle Arthur

    Funerals are seen as a sad or depressing event.  But this is often not the case, especially for the staff work work funeral every day.  Undertakers learn to make jokes in almost every situation, the job is just that, a job.

Slow Rise of Obesity - Part two: the preparation

  It is no debate, we are getting larger and fatter.  Yet what does this actually mean?  As in how are our attitudes and views changing and how is it affecting our lives?  To answer this I look to funeral and the funeral industry.  The funeral industry is a wonderful way to look at society.  To look at us, our attitudes, beliefs, how we go about our daily lives and so on.  This is because quite simply the way we live is the way we die, the two are directly connected.

This is why I decided to do a few detailed posts on obesity in the funeral industry as I experienced it and understand it.  Through looking at how obesity affects the funeral industry we can understand how it affects our lives.  My first post was on the transfer of obese bodies.  This post is on how we deal with and process the obese body.  What happens in the mortuary to the body and the coffin of obese bodies.

Don't Drop the Coffin Documentary

    Last night someone sent me a rather nice little documentary.  It's follows the funeral home 'FA Albin and Sons' who have been operating for over 200 years.  This is actually a fairly interesting little TV show that I would recommend.  Unfortunately I cannot embed the video here, but you can follow my youtube link!

    Click here for Don't Drop the Coffin: Series 01 Episode 01 or copy and pase the URL below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYzDNgH5yd0&feature=related

AH~~

Funeral Graffiti

    I was looking through old pictures and found this one interesting one.  Then I realised how it had been a while since I posted any pictures and thought it was a perfect time for this!

    It's a piece of rather amusing graffiti I found on my way into a hospital morgue once upon a time.

Funeral Fun - A close call

    Working in the funeral industry is often rather amusing.  Yet it can also be a bit dangerous.  I remember one occasion where it was a combination of 'funny' and 'danger'.  The time someone nearly pulled another undertaker into a grave.

Funeral Fun - Leaky coffin

    We set off to the crematorium, the regular driver of this hearse was on another job as a car driver.  So today two conductors were in the hearse with me.  Upon arriving at the crematorium we got the coffin out, carried it inside and puit it on the catafalque.

     After placing the coffin down I turned around and saw one or two pinky splash marks on the floor.  I instantly knew they were most likely from the coffin.  They looked fresh and where right where we had carried the coffin.  I immediately told the conductor, who then very subtly went up and felt the coffin.  It was dry around all sides, so if it had leaked it was not still leaking.  Next we went to inspect the hearse.

    Sure enough there was a small puddle in the back where the coffin had been.  The pink and sticky fluid sat there proudly.  Better still it had also slipped through the rollers into the underneath of the hearse (where we kept many handy things such as tables, umbrellas, chairs, and so on).  In other words this fluid was all through his hearse.

    Due to the schedule this hearse then spent the rest of the day sitting in the summer sun.  Nobody had time to clean the fluids out, so they baked on.  When we brought the hearse back to the garage and informed the driver he was not happy.  He always tried to take care of his hearse, always looked after it and felt for it.  So to find it with sticky and not hard pinkish fluids all through made him upset.

    Naturally we all suddenly had lots of work to do and were unable to help him clean the fluids.  But we did pop by every now and then to tell him if he had missed a spot.

    Overall it was a rather funny and unusual event.  Well, funny for everyone except the hearse driver, although even he saw the humour.

~~

Funeral Fun - Emptying the crypt

Gates into Waverley Cemetery.

    This was perhaps my favourite day at W.N.Bull.  It was also one of the hardest and dirtiest and even somewhat dangerous.

    Basically the job was to move five coffins in a crypt so it could be renovated.  I had never been in a crypt before but had heard stories.  People described them as dark, damp, dirty, small, boring and slippery.  So I  was actually rather excited and looking forward to it.

The day before we took the stretchers out of the transfer van and filled it with things we might need.  Such as boards, ropes, torches and so on.  Just a variety of things that might be handy if needed.  I was put in the van and sent on a funeral first.  This meant I had to bring a more 'practical' set of cloths as my three piece funeral suit would not be suitable for pulling coffins out of a crypt.

    After the funeral I made my way over to Waverley Cemetery where the crypt was.  As usual I was the first to arrive and so I had plenty of time to sit and eat my lunch.  After all I would soon need my energy.  I sat near the gate so that it was in sight but I was hidden.  It was starting to turn into a miserable day,  it was cold, overcast and looked like rain.  Hardly the sort of weather we wanted.

    Not too much later everyone else started to arrive and we made our way to the crypt.  As they set up I changed into the more suitable work clothes.  It had started to spit rain very lightly and then stopped, I remember one of the other undertakers commenting that he hopped the rain would keep away, even for a little bit.

    When they had opened the door and set up we went inside to assess the situation.  The job involved taking four adult coffins and one baby coffin off shelves and then taking them down one level into a room underneath the crypt.  Unfortunately the door to the basement room under the crypt was directly infront of the door to the crypt itself and actually very small.  It was not so much a 'door' as a small and steep hole with some stairs.  Even better this hole was right in front of the door to the upper level.  So we had to cover it up with boards to be able to get in and out of the upper level.  Then we would have to uncover it to get to the bottom level.

Three crypts at Waverley, the one of the right is very
similar to the one we worked out of.

    The room with the coffins was fairly small, there was not much standing room at all.  And two of the coffins were quite high, at about my head height.  The coffins themselves were also quite heavy, they were solid timber or oak and had an inch of lead lining inside.  Plus half of them had no handels and thus had nothing to tie ropes to.  All of this meant it would be a difficult and somewhat dangerous job.  We had to drag heavy coffins off high shelves in a dark and slippery stone room.  Then we had to slid them through a step hole not much bigger than the coffins themselves.  Finally we would have to lift these heavy coffin up above our heads and onto the shelves in another small and even darker room.

    And there were only four of us.  The grave diggers were not allowed to help due to OH&S issues.  They obviously felt sorry for us and helped how they could, in fact a couple got quite actively involved.  But they were council employees and council diggers cannot by law do certain things.  Such as move coffins (like lowering or carrying them) and so on.  All due to OH&S and insurance issues.

    But what could we do?  There were only four of us and the poor family had waited months for the job to be done.  But our boss had been putting it off.  And a family member was present through the job, he was obviously very upset at seeing his family being moved about but he was also extremely grateful.

    We set to work and moved the two easiest coffins out first.  I remember thinking how difficult it was, that these two coffins were so heavy and how little room there was.  Little did I know that this would be the easiest part of the job.  After taking the  two coffins out we loaded them into the back of the van.  Then we uncovered the hole to the bottom level and started to take the coffins down.

    Here was the trouble, the hole was just big enough to fit the coffins and very step.  We had to tie the coffin with rops, lower it foot first down the hole, then send the smaller person to squeeze between the coffin and the hole and direct it as the others continued to lower.  Guess who was the 'smaller' person, me!  I was to squeeze myself down the hole and direct the coffin until there was enough room for the others to come down and help me.

    This is how we got the first coffin into the room.  But then we had to get it on a shelf.  Because of the lack of room and steepness of the hole we could barely raise the foot end of the coffin to get it onto the shelf.  It kept getting caught on the walls, and with its heavy weight we had a lot of trouble.  But we did it, the first two coffins were on the shelves and done.

    Now it got hard.  The next two coffins were bigger, heavier, had no handels and were higher.  We lifted them up onto sticks while still on the shelves, then we tied ropes around them.  Next I climbed up to the top shelf of the crypt (which had nothing on it except debris and dirt).  I had to lie on this shelf as it was close to the roof and then take a rope to help swing the coffin out.  So there I lay, in the dirt on a cold shelf in a crypt.  All while swinging a heavy coffin down.

    With a lot of trouble and effort we got the last two coffins out.  But they were larger, so getting them down the hole was more difficult.  I remember at one point another undertaker getting his pants caught on the coffin as he tried to squeeze past it to get down the hole.  It was quite funny actually, seing him stuck there by his pants to a coffin!  Even he thought it was funny.  But then the supervisor reminded us that the family was watching and we had to stop giggling.

    In the end we got the job done, but it was very dirty and a lot of work.  When we finished the family member thanked us all personally, he was very grateful for the job and thought we had done well.  And I had so much fun doing it, we all did.  As difficult and dirty as it was it was also very rewarding and seing the job finished was so satisfying.  I really enjoyed the day and the job with good people.

~~

Funeral Fun - The attack

The garage at Newtown.

    It was a late night, just three of us were to work back after hours for a vigil when one of us was almost attacked.  This incident was perhaps one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me, I ended up laughing so much and so hard that I actually hurt my lungs a little.  I may sound a little strange or mean to laugh so much at the attack of another employee, but read on and see why.

Hotdogs Out of Hearses - Serving hot dogs the living will relish

    I came across this interesting little article on Nothing To Do With Arbroath.  The articles is about a car collector who bought a used Cadillac hearse for only $12,000 at an auction (quite cheap actually).  When picking it up he was surprised to discover that there was a coffin inside.  One thing lead to another and he converted the inside of the coffin to a stove and started selling hot dogs out of it.

    What got my attention was when he said "some people take a dim view of this because of the controversy of mixing food and death."  Ie goes on to say that  "I've had a lot more people stop me just to take a picture."  This was interesting to me as it says a lot about how we see the hearse and the coffin as well as death.

    To me (and most other undertakers) there is nothing special about the hearse of coffin.  I see the hearse as just a car and little else.  And the coffin is a cheap wooden box (or sometimes metal) with nothing else to it.  To me a coffin is as special as a table and the hearse is as special as a taxi.  I most certainly do not associate the hearse or coffin with death or anything like it.

    However this is not the same for others, especially those who do not or have not worked in the industry.  From the quote we see that some people do not like the idea of "mixing food and death".  That there is something taboo about this, that people think of it as wrong.  This could be because some associate or at least link the hearse and coffin with death and that food should not be associated with death.

    On the flip side the desire to sell food from a hearse says just as much as the ideas against it.  The idea of mixing food and death (as the article puts it) is novel or strange.  One customer stated that they were "going to tell everyone in the office about this," so clearly to them buying a hotdog here was a story worth telling to others.  It's not because anything unusual or special happened, they bought a hot dog.  We would hardly tell our co-workers about buying a hotdog normally.  But she caught it from a hearse, and this in itself was worth telling for her.  There is clearly a certain novelty about this business, for both the customers and sellers, which is also evident in the fact that this was considered news worthy.  I highly doubt a story about a new hotdog vendor would gather much attention normally.

    Despite this it is clear and understandable that the novelty is only temporary with the business owner saying that "once the novelty goes over, and people laugh, I want the food quality to be tops."  The article follows with "in other words, keep serving hot dogs the living will relish."  The novelty is only temporary, which is expected.  Repeated interactions with most things will make it mundane, only new things are novel.  I also expect it to be a temporary novelty from this business as there is really nothing special about it.  It's no different to selling hotdogs out of a truck as the hearse is just a long car and the coffin is just a stove and table.  So once people by a hotdog or two they would come to realise this, that really it was only a superficial novelty at best.

    Another thing that grabbed me was the taboo of mixing food and death.  Yet we do this constantly at almost every funeral.  Almost all funerals will have food at the end, it is rather unusual not to eat at a funeral.

    This business brings a hearse and coffin to the public, showing how food and death can be directly mixed.  However in doing this it is also saying there is something strange or novel about the hearse and coffin which is untrue in many ways.

~~

Original Article at Mercury News.

Funeral Fun - Smashing a Tree

    This is not my story but a story that was told to me by a co-worker about an od accident he witnessed while on a funeral.

Funeral Fun - The cheese incident

    It was during the WNBull Christmas party that a rather funny and strange incident occurred.  The party was in the company chapel at Newtown, a small but rather nice and cosy place.  We were all seated in little groups around the room with a large buffet table in the centre.  We had all kinds of delicious food, honey ham, potato salad, sandwiches, brad rolls and butter cut into thinnish triangles to put on the rolles and so on.  There was more than enough yummy food to go around.  Everyone was having a great time, both the food and the company were nice.  Nobody was drinking particularly much alcohol as most of us had to drive home.  So nobody was expecting anything too wild or out of the ordinary (at least for funeral directors who are an odd bunch).

    Mid-way through the evening someone came up to me and asked if I had heard about the cheese issue with another co-worker.  I was rather puzzled, how can an incident occur with cheese, especially when nobody is drunk?  He explained that the other co-worker had grabbed a piece of butter from the buffet table and put it in his moth.  Then he complained that the cheese wasn't any good.  He had mistaken the butter for slices of cheese.

    Naturally the news of his adventure with the butter spread, partially because this sort of thing was not out of the ordinary for him.  He once asked "what's this?" while pointing at the spare tire in a car.  Another time I washed the shammy he cleaned his hearse with for him.  He had asked me as I was cleaning mine at the same time so he knew I was cleaning it.  Yet when I handed back he looked at it, paused for a bit and then said it wasn't his shammy, that it was the wrong colour.

    I will say that this co-worker was not stupid or even unpleasant.  With him I never knew when he was serious or joking about this kind of thing.  He would say the strangest stuff, knowing it was a joke but do so with a straight face.  Not someone to play poker with.  The funeral industry is full of people like this, wonderfully strange.  Because of this it makes the whole job and industry so much more fun and interesting.

~~

Funeral Fun - Whale of a Transfer

    This is not my story, and I was not even in the industry when it happened, someone I use to work with told me this story as a cautionary tale on why to never keep things in pockets higher than your waist.  But it is such an odd and amusing story I thought it worth telling here.

Funeral Fun - The Gloved Man & Stolen Flowers

    It had been a long day before I encountered a strange person on a strange funeral.  I had just finished working a short job in the city, everything had gone well, on the way to the next job I had to collect and take another staff member with me, not an issue as we had a good chat on the way.  So far it was turning out to be quite a fun little day.  The only problem is that we had not eaten since 7:00 and it was now well after 14:00.

No Coffee Today

    Follow this link for the post on the beginning of this funeral.  But to summarise it had not gone to plan so far, from the lady having dementia, which was exacerbated by the funeral of her husband to the point where she had trouble understanding and making decisions all the way to the mess with the coffin at the start of the funeral service.  Overall it had been a long day for everyone.

    I was driving the nice lady with dementia and her sister who was a sister, the funeral now over our destination was Rookwood.  The drive itself was nice enough, the three of us in the car were having fun looking at the strange way the hearse was going to avoid an accident on the highway.  By the time we were pulling up to the gates of Rookwood it had been a long drive and I was a little tired, thinking of how I still had to take them home later.

    Next to the gates is a nice cafe with big signs, you have to pass it to enter the cemetery.  As we drove past the old lady with dementia exclaimed "oh!  A coffee shop, I think I'll have a coffee after the service" to which her sister agreed.  I did not want to stop at the cafe, not at all.  All I wanted was to end the day and go home, not sit and wait in the cold at some cafe while they had coffee for who knows how long.

    The final service was over and it was time to go home.  I knew the nice old lady with dementia would have forgotten about the coffee and her sister was not super set on a coffee.  So I thought I would try something.  As we exited the cemetery and were about to pass the cafe I informed them that there were some famous peoples graves just to the side.  They just so happened to be on the opposite side to the cafe.  The two ladies looked for the famous graves, missing the cafe.  Shortly before we got back to her home the nice lady with dementia said how she was glad to get home soon as she really felt like a coffee now.

    Yes, I basically said "look over there" and distracted a lovely old lady and exploited her dementia to prevent her from getting coffee.

~~

Falling in the Rain

    Yesterdays bad weather reminded me of an amusing event one rainy day.  It was raining very hard and had been all week.  I was on a small funeral with a burial in Rookwood, a place famous for its sticky clay and slippery puddles.  But I actually had no issues with this as I was well and truly use to it.

    When we arrived at Rookwood and all jumped out of the hearse I noticed the conductor had tucked his pants into his socks.  It was a really odd look, his pants were all puffed out at the base like parachute pants from the 90s.  I just stared at him, shocked and amused.  He let out a proud and humble grin as though he thought I was marvelling at his new look.  Then he said that yes, he looked like a clown but at least his pants would not get dirty.  Each to their own I guess.  It was a rather strange look, his little socks then the puffy pants.

    The hearse driver said something about how he would not need to do that as he simply wouldn't step in the mud.  And I believed him as he had a habit of keeping clean no matter the circumstances.  Actually earlier that morning I had been talking to the hearse driver about his shoes.  No matter the conditions of the day I had noticed he always came back to the office with clean shiny shoes.  While everyone else was scrapping mud off their pants and shoes he was always clean.  And yet it was not as though he avoided work or dirt.  I never saw him avoid getting his hands dirty, he simply walked away clean.

    However he would not be so lucky on this funeral.  A few moments after getting out of the hearse the hearse driver was carrying a small basket of petals over to the grave.  I watched as he made his way across the muddy landscape when suddenly and unexpectedly one of his feet sank and petals went flying everywhere.  He had stepped on the side of a fresh grave and due to being a solid guy the dirt just sank down.

    The gravedigger and I started laughing uncontrollably,  it was so funny; there was the big ex-army guy who normally walked with such sureness and poise suddenly stumbling sideways, chased by a cloud of petals.  The hearse driver came over to us, less than impressed but able to see the funny side.  That is when we saw he had sunken just past his ankel, getting a little sandy mud inside his shoe as well as all over it.

~~

Funeral Fun - 'The' Father

    This was a day that I will remember for a long time, fondly and with destine.  From the priests pants falling down during the service to the heat and work involved.  Just an unusual job on an unusual day.

    It was an abnormally hot day in the middle of an otherwise wet summer when I came into work only to find that I had an early pickup in the CBD.  This was very bad news to me as I hate driving around the CBD.  It is all kinds of awful to me, unfamiliar, crowded, bad traffic, lights every 2 blocks and if you make a wrong turn it can be ages before you can turn around.  Not to mention the lack of parking.  There would be two cars on the job with the hearse.  One was going to the CBD (me) and the other to the airport (a hire car company we contracted).  So it could have been worse, I would rather the CBD than the airport.

    Being in a hurry as this was an early pickup I did not read the day sheet properly.  So when I arrived at the fancy hotel I pulled out my day sheet only to realise I had no name of who I was picking up, just "collect father" (as in the priest) who was the brother of the deceased.  What could I do, walk up to the hotel staff asking if they had a father waiting for a funeral car?  Actually that was what I did, well, mostly.  I asked the concierge if anyone was expecting a car, specifically a funeral car.  He checked the information and nope, nothing was coming up.  Great, this meant I had to call the office.  The conductor for this job happened to answer the phone.  Which was actually rather good I thought as he was a fairly competent and approchable person.  After explaining the situation to him he looked through the paper work, finding that only the last name of father was listed.  At least this narrowed it down somewhat, at least one would think so.  Yet the concierge had two people checked in by that name and being quite early did not want to disturb them on the chance that it was the right person.  I let out a deep slow sigh, stuck, unsure what the do next.  Then the conductor told me what fathers first name "probably" was.  At least as best he could remember from meeting that father a long time ago.  So again, I relayed this information to the concierge and YES, it was right.  Finally I knew who to collect!  They paged the father and informed him I would be waiting outside by the car incase a parking officer came by.

    After a good 20 minutes the father came out wearing his standard black fatherly shirt.  I took note of how he had the hotel staff open the door, something I find interesting in people.  Most will go for the door themselves, or assume it is automatic, before the hotel staff jump in to open it.  Not this father, he was obviously use to fancy hotels.  Walking up to the car he briefly introduced himself before asking where to put his bag and preist clothing.  I take it and put it all in the car for him and start to open his door.  He stops me and asks very nicely if i could do up his buttons.  I paused for a moment and wondering where this was going when he showed me the button on one sleeve cuff and on his collar.  There was nothing wrong with this request, but it was still strange.  After buttoning him up I let him in the car before shutting the door.  Turning to leave I catch the hotel doorman's eye, he let a small smile slip across his face and winked at me as I got in.

    It was a quick drive, with not much said.  Something I learnt to get use to as some older people (but mostly middle-aged, around the age of my parents) did not 'appreciate' a young person driving them.  Father obviously had nothing against me in anyway, but probably would have just been more comfortable with someone closer to his own age.  He did tell me he preferred that fancy hotel to certain others in Sydney and Melbourne.  That hotel was much nicer to guests, with better service and good rooms.  It cost more than others but was better value.  Yes, this father had enough experience with top hotels to weigh them against each other.

    We drive back to the WNBull office in Newtown, where the hearse and coffin wait for us.  Arriving early we invited him to the reception room for a drink and let our resident bereavement councillor entertain him.  When it was time to get the coffin from our chapel into the hearse father suddenly pulled out a camera and started taking pictures.  Next he started talking about various things.  I could see the conductor out of the corner of my eye, watching the time tick by while knowing that if father held us up that he would get the blame.  So finally father was happy to go.  Right after he went to the bathroom.

    Now we were off and on the way to the cemetery at Rookwood.  The service was set to be in a small chapel by the Catholic office.  A lovely old fashioned little chapel actually.  But it had not airconditioning or ventilation.  And it was already so hot I was starting to sweat in the shade.  Tue I was in a woollen three piece suite, but it was still very hot.  And there is no shade anywhere outside that chapel.  We got father inside and I set up the table for the condolence book.  The other family car turned up, being driven by non other than the owner of the hire car company (Best Limousines Sydney - a great company infront and behind the scenes, with friendly and experienced drivers).  This was rather good as I got on well with him, a very good guy who I knew would do a good job.

    Suddenly the conductor shows up in a hurry.  He tells the two of us how he had to "help father dress".  Assisting with putting on his robes and straightening his clothes.  Then he had to organise the stuff for communion and the prayers for the service.  By now he had done or assisted with all the priests duties (including dress) expect say the service itself.  Next thing I know he hands me a piece of paper and tells me I am in charge of booking the function for the wake.  The family have decided they want a wake at the cafe at the main gate to Rookwood cemetery.  Wonderful, now I will have to wait about to take father back to the hotel.  I could feel the day just slip away.  The hire car driver was actually really unhappy as he got paid by the job, not by the hour and now a three hour job looked like six hours work.  Anyway, as unhappy as I was I rang up the cafe and explained what we needed.  They told me that they were unimpressed at not having it booked and an hours notice not being good.  After a nice chat with the guy we settled on just a few sandwiches and some basic drinks like coffee for a few people.  Here is where I had a stroke of genius out of the blue and would later help.  I catered for 20 people when only 15 were at the service, incase others showed up as they were expecting over 20 people to attend the funeral.

    The service went on, us sweating away in the heat.  It was time for the thurible - basically incense.  My task was simply to take it outside once finished with, nice and easy.  But standing up there I was sweating so much.  To the point where I was wiping sweat back with the sleeve of my suit in front of everyone.  And so was everyone else, it was too hot and we were too inappropriately dressed to care.  I took the thurible, ran it outside and came back in to laughter and the conductor standing between father and the audience with his coat open, much like Batman.  The two then slid off into the sacristy and shut the door before coming back out and continuing.  I was soon told that fathers pants had fallen down right there next to the coffin in full view for everyone.  That the conductor had 'shielded his dignity' and helped do up his pants in the sacristy.  The conductor had to go as far as tucking fathers shirt in as well.  Poor conductor, oh how I laughed at him later.

    We drove around to the graveside, by now it was blistering hot and not a cloud would hang about to protect us.  Even the plastic silver handels on the car were so hot that they were uncomfortable to use.  It was an unpleasant burial that took all too long.  After the burial we drove around to the cafe where sandwiches and cold drinks were waiting.  The family and father moved over toward them eagerly, sitting down for a nice relaxing lunch.  It was apparently clear that they had no intention of inviting either the hire car driver or myself.  Most people may think this to be common, that funeral directors do not eat at the wake with the family.  Yet I found that we often do.  About 25% of the time I drive a family they will eagerly invite me into the wake for some refreshments.  But not this time, they spared not even a though for us and on such a hot day to.  No matter what I was getting fed, my mind was made up.  Unfortunately this was not a buffet where I could sneak food away.  So I approached the cafe staff.  Explaining how hot and tired we were, and that 20 had been catered for but only 12 arrived.  Obviously also a little but off by the family he quietly said that he could slip us a couple of sandwiches and a cold drink each.  Through creativity and asking nicely I got fed after all.

    Quite a while passed before they showed signs of leaving.  A young guy being driven by the hire car driver approached us asking if we could take the father and he to an old grave.  We did not want to at all, but had to.  We agreed, but only if they actually knew where the grave was as Rookwood is rather large (it's the second largest cemetery in the world).  The guy insisted that father knew where the grave was and would show me as we drove.

    Hopping in the car I asked father which way.  He said he was unsure.  A great start.  He would know once we got back to the other grave we had just been to that day, he was just unsure the way back to that grave.  An even better start.  I had images of father driving us all over Rookwood.  But amazingly enough once back at the other grave he took us straight to the street he 'knew' it was in.  As we drove up the street he peered out the window, constantly instructing me "faster", "no no, slower", "no, go faster", "wait, slow down" every few seconds, the whole way.  After going up and down a few times he decided to get out and walk.  So there the hire car driver and I waited, in the sun, in a cemetery on a boiling hot day in three piece wool suits.  Sure by now I had heat stroke, or was at least just sick of the day, I was ready to leave.  At least I was paid by the hour, not by the job like the hire car driver.  He was now watching a three hour job turn into eight hours.  And the airconditioning in his car had suddenly failed.  It was now alternating between blowing cold and hot air.

    Father finally came back, telling us he was ready to go.  About time.  We drove back to the city and I dropped him off at the hotel.  It was an uneventful ride back with us exchanging some basic but pleasant small talk.  I helped him out, turned to get his stuff out of the boot when he suddenly said that "the hotel staff will get that" and promptly walked off.  He never even thanked me or any other staff that day.  The conductor had done his pants up organised so much for him.  I had waited about in the sun for ages, taking him out of my way to an old grave.  Yet he could not even spare a "bye".  I do not expect much from people, not a tip, not even a "thank you".  But the last thing he said to me was literally "the hotel staff will get that".  I have never experienced something so rude and inconsiderate as to be totally dismissed by someone after helping them so much.  After spending the day with them.  I, and the other funeral staff, were just 'the staff' to him, no different to the hotel staff.  Not people but a group 'the staff'.  And yes, I later developed heatstroke, and had to see a doctor, after waiting about in the sun for him at the grave.

    So that is how I got fed for free on a boiling hot day.  Got heatstroke waiting for a father.  Saw a fathers pants fall down mid ceremony and then never got treated as a person by the father I had helped so much.


~~