Funeral Fun - Holding hands

    Recently I was at a funeral when something rather amusing happened at the graveside.  It's about time I did a 'funeral fun' anyway!

Working Funerals - Lowering the coffin

    This post is a how to guid on lowering the coffin at the cemetery.  It looks simple and easy but so many people do it wrong and risk injuring their back or damaging the coffin.  While written from the point of view of an undertaker this guide can also be handy for mourners.

Funeral Fun - A close call

    Working in the funeral industry is often rather amusing.  Yet it can also be a bit dangerous.  I remember one occasion where it was a combination of 'funny' and 'danger'.  The time someone nearly pulled another undertaker into a grave.

Carrying a Child Coffin

    As odd as it sounds to many I have been attending funerals in my spare time.  It is part of my ethnographic work into the funeral industry and the funeral process.  To learn through observation and participation as much as literary research (which there is little of for this industry).

    So recently I was at a child's funeral and the way they carried the coffin was quite surprising, and a little worrying.

American & Australian Style Lowering

    I found this American product video demonstrating two automatic lowering devices for the graveside.  It made me think of the difference between American funeral and Australian funerals.  Many conductors here in Australia do not like the American lowering system.  Continue on for the video!

Attending a Funeral - Cemetery tips

    A few people have recently asked me about cemeteries.  It appears many are unsure how to act, how to behave, how to dress at a cemetery.  I would say many are unsure how to be.  I thought that a simple little guid could be useful for mourners.  Follow the things here and your trip to the cemetery for a funeral should be much easier and more pleasant.

    One big thing to remember is that the cemetery is almost exactly like the beach.  It is hot in summer and cold in winter, the ground is soft and slippery, there is limited parking, there is basically no shelter from the rain or sun.  Overall think of going to the cemetery as going to the beach in formal clothing.

- Do not worry: Unfortunately a lot of people have issues with cemeteries.  However cemeteries are not spiritual, not creepy, they're just a place.  And they're everywhere.  Sydney Town Hall Station is built on an old cemetery and when they were building Town Hall they never found all the bodies.  Cemeteries are scattered and forgotten under many cities, especially older cities.  So chances are you walk through them regularly.  Cemeteries are just spaces, and often quite beautiful spaces.  Waverley cemetery is one of the most beautiful places in Sydney with the right light.  In the end a cemetery is what you make of it.  So make it what you want it to be.

- Look up the time and location: As with almost all my funeral tips knowing where and when you should be is key.  Look up the address and directions before the day.  It is rather embarrising to get lost on the way to a funeral  Most cemeteries cannot be put into a GPS, and even then people get lost within the cemetery grounds.

- Find the grave: Do not bet on following a cortege to find the grave.  If you get lost, separated or there is no cortege contact the cemetery office.  The office details can be found by simply 'googeling' the cemetery name.  Many cemetery websites also have downloadable maps to help navigate the place.  Cemeteries are like mazes, there is something that makes most of them difficult to navigate.

- Umbrella: Bring one or two even if there is no chance for rain.  They are a great source of shade which will keep you cool and comfortable.  The funeral directors should provide umbrellas if you ask (you can even keep it if they aren't looking as you leave).  However do not rely on this and be prepared.

- Water: This one is obvious but so many people forget.  Bring a small bottle of water and sip at it just before, during and after the service.  Being in a cemetery is surprisingly dehydrating even in cool weather.  And it is always better to risk needing to go to the bathroom over risking fainting due to dehydration/heatstroke (which I have seen happen).  Australia is hot, be read for it.

- Sunscreen: Again, this should be obvious and if you do not bring and use sunscreen on sunny days it is your own loss.  Skin cancer is a big issue in Australia and sunscreen is cheap and easy, so why not?

- Chairs: Funeral homes and cemeteries should provide some chairs.  But does not always happen, and even then they will usually only provide 4 to 6 chairs.  So if chairs are needed make sure the funeral home knows before the day and how many they will need.  Or bring a few chairs yourself if you are able.

- Food: Bring snacks to have shortly before you arrive at the cemetery.  You may not think about it but this does make a difference.  A few biscuits are good, or a couple of mints.  Lollies or other high sugar and 'quick to eat' foods are not good for the cemeteries.  You want to get the sugar and food, but not too much or too quickly.

- Stay out of the way: Keep out of the way of funeral and other staff.  If they look like they need help then offer, but otherwise let them do their job.  This makes everything go quicker and smother for everyone.

- Keep up and keep together: Most cemeteries are big or confusing places with narrow and twisty roads.  It is incredibly embarrassing to get lost only a corner away from the grave.  So do not fall behind and stay behind the hearse.

- Do NOT get out until the right time: At almost every cemetery the cortege will stop by an office to get paperwork before going to the grave.  These offices usually have a car park and toilets, so quite often people will park thinking that this is where they should stop.  Next thing they know the hearse and other cars have gone leaving them lost and alone.  It happens too often, even if the funeral staff warn people.  So STAY IN YOUR CAR until you either see the grave itself (make sure it is the right one though) and/or it is obvious that the cortege has arrived.  You know this has happened when all the undertakers get out of their cars/hearse and not just one person.

- Walk: You do not have to park right next to the grave.  Sometimes you it is dangerous or inappropriate to park close by and you will just take a space of an older or less able person who cannot walk far or over rough terrain.  Other times your car will get in the way of staff or other funeral processions, so do not park on corners, do not park too close together and be ready for a short 2 minute walk.  I will say I find it is generally but not always SUVs (o four wheel drives) that park inappropriately in their attempt to get as close as possible.

- Wear appropriate shoes: The ground at cemeteries is spongy, slippery and soft, so wear shoes for this.  The most common inappropriate shoe is a stiletto.  I have seen women seriously damage their ankles because of their shoes.  And I have no sympathy for them.  To wear high stilettos to a cemetery is stupid and dangerous.  It will inconvenience everyone and just make the person with the shoes look silly.  It is better to wear sneakers or boots and look a little strange than bend an ankle in front of everyone.

- Clothing: Obviously one should wear what is appropriate according to the funeral.  Some funerals are more formal than others.  Yet either way think of the weather when choosing clothes.  A three piece suit might not be the best option in the heat of summer.  A thin dress might not be suitable in winter.  Look up the cemetery on Google Maps.  If it is near the coast or on a hill you can assume it will be windy.  If it is in a forest or gardens it will be shaded and cool.  Know where you are going and what it will be like when deciding on clothes.

- Mud, live with it: Cemeteries are dirty places, there is a lot of digging going on and as such there is a lot of lose dirt.  So when it rains there is a lot of mud.  Live with it and deal with it later.  There is no point holding people up while you scrape the mud off your shoes before you get in the car.  Simply get the bigger lumps off, get in the car and more out of the way of others.  Once the mud dries it will scrape off very easily and usually as people try to clean it off their shoes they spread it over their clothes.  If desperte use the corner of gutters or grates of drains to scrape away mud.  Tissues are also handy.

- Know how to drive: Most cemeteries, especially old ones, tend to have narrow streets.  With tight corners, slopes, and dead ends.  Driving through a cemetery may mean squeezing down a narrow street between graves and cars.  Or perhaps you will have to go around an incredibly tight corner.  Either way, knowing how to drive will help.

    Just remember, think of the cemetery as the beach.  Prepare for it in the same way except you will be wearing formal clothing.

    If there's any specific questions or concerns not addressed here feel free to contact me and I if I can I will help however possible.

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Funeral Fun - The Gloved Man & Stolen Flowers

    It had been a long day before I encountered a strange person on a strange funeral.  I had just finished working a short job in the city, everything had gone well, on the way to the next job I had to collect and take another staff member with me, not an issue as we had a good chat on the way.  So far it was turning out to be quite a fun little day.  The only problem is that we had not eaten since 7:00 and it was now well after 14:00.

Falling in the Rain

    Yesterdays bad weather reminded me of an amusing event one rainy day.  It was raining very hard and had been all week.  I was on a small funeral with a burial in Rookwood, a place famous for its sticky clay and slippery puddles.  But I actually had no issues with this as I was well and truly use to it.

    When we arrived at Rookwood and all jumped out of the hearse I noticed the conductor had tucked his pants into his socks.  It was a really odd look, his pants were all puffed out at the base like parachute pants from the 90s.  I just stared at him, shocked and amused.  He let out a proud and humble grin as though he thought I was marvelling at his new look.  Then he said that yes, he looked like a clown but at least his pants would not get dirty.  Each to their own I guess.  It was a rather strange look, his little socks then the puffy pants.

    The hearse driver said something about how he would not need to do that as he simply wouldn't step in the mud.  And I believed him as he had a habit of keeping clean no matter the circumstances.  Actually earlier that morning I had been talking to the hearse driver about his shoes.  No matter the conditions of the day I had noticed he always came back to the office with clean shiny shoes.  While everyone else was scrapping mud off their pants and shoes he was always clean.  And yet it was not as though he avoided work or dirt.  I never saw him avoid getting his hands dirty, he simply walked away clean.

    However he would not be so lucky on this funeral.  A few moments after getting out of the hearse the hearse driver was carrying a small basket of petals over to the grave.  I watched as he made his way across the muddy landscape when suddenly and unexpectedly one of his feet sank and petals went flying everywhere.  He had stepped on the side of a fresh grave and due to being a solid guy the dirt just sank down.

    The gravedigger and I started laughing uncontrollably,  it was so funny; there was the big ex-army guy who normally walked with such sureness and poise suddenly stumbling sideways, chased by a cloud of petals.  The hearse driver came over to us, less than impressed but able to see the funny side.  That is when we saw he had sunken just past his ankel, getting a little sandy mud inside his shoe as well as all over it.

~~

How to Attend a Funeral; A Briefe Guide

There is no ‘requirements’ about attending a funeral, but there are rights and wrongs.  And it is amazing how many people do not know how to attend a funeral. So here are some simple tips to make your and the families experience a bit nicer:

1. Turn off your phone, do not silence it.  Just recently somebodies phone went off several times during the service in the church and then at the grave.  Every time he thought he had silenced it only to be embarrassed a while later.
2. Keep moving, do not hover around and block the doors, tables or stairs.  Blocking the tables delays people from signing the condolence book.  Blocking doors or stairs makes it hard for us and others to move about.  We have a job to do and often only a little time to do a lot.  You would not want people getting in the way of your work, do not get in the way of ours.  It may sound inconsiderate, but making sure that funeral runs smoothly is our job.  Every time we are held up is time the family and the funeral itself are held up.
3. Move along the seats.  It is inconsiderate to sit down on the end and leave spaces in the middle.  It does not matter if you “cannot see from the middle” or “do not know those people”.  Move along and let others sit down to, otherwise you will be making people stand for the whole service.
4. Look up the directions.  People usually know where they are going and when days in advance.  It is beyond me why almost nobody looks up the directions before hand.  The cemetery or crematorium cannot be put into the GPS as an address in most cases (not that people try).  So for something so important why most people just ‘wing it’ on the day is irresponsible, especially if they are from out of town.  The funeral staff will try to keep everyone together, but this is incredibly difficult, especially with a very long trip or cortege.
5. When driving in the cortege keep up and stay close.  Most people are not trained or experienced at following a cortege.  They will need larger gaps than the funeral staff or hire car drivers.  But keep as close as possible while staying safe.  When a car falls back it can result in others cutting in, the cortege not making the lights or just breaking up the look of the cortege.  Not to meantion any cars behind that one are now even further back.  Keeping as close as possible will keep everyone together and look good.
6. Use the lights, but do not go crazy.  As soon as you are ready to move off turn on the headlights.  This lets the conductor know you are with the cortege and that you are ready.  Also use your indicators, people who are behind and around need to know where the cortege is going.  Indicate a little earlier than usual, or as soon as the car in front does and this will save a lot of trouble.  Having said that do not over-use the lights.  There is no need for high-beams or hazard lights unless there is an emergency.  This will only confuse and irritate people.
7. Do not run red lights or drive dangerously to keep up.  However you may have to break the law, as long as it is safe; such as going a little over the speed limit, or running a stop sign on a quiet street or cutting people off at the roundabouts after they stop to let the cortege through.  But being stupid and dangerous is never acceptable!  I have seen people run red lights to keep up because they did not know the way and panicked.  I have seen cars nearly side swipe each other when merging to keep up.  If you get cut off we will slow down, or stop just a little further ahead.  So wait, and do not worry, you will always catch up to the slow cortege.  But never panic and endanger yourself or others just to keep up.
8. At the grave do not stand on the grave cover.  This is a door sized thing, usually with fake grass on it.  Do not stand between it or the grave after we have lowered either.  Or we ill just politely ask you to move to one side.  It is no big deal, but many people just get embarrassed once they realise where they are standing.
9. Do not be a hero.  If you cannot carry 50kg or more do not offer to carry the coffin, take an umbrella if it is sunny, sit down if nobody else does and you want to.  Either way, do not put yourself out, it does you no good and is pointless.
10. Do not block our way when we are carrying the coffin anywhere.  That thing is heavy, we do not want to mess about waiting for someone to step to the side, nor to we want to have to squeeze past people.  It is most common at the graveside, people will hop out of their cars, walk to the grave and then stop.  Rarely do they think about how we will be carrying the coffin that way to.  Especially in a narrow cemetery with uneven ground.  I do not care if it sounds rude, but I also do not think you would want to stand about hanging on to 70kg with only a small handle that cuts into your hand all while waiting for someone to exclaim “oh, am I in your way..?” before slowly and awkwardly moving away

~~